I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
