my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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