just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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