My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
