We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize