I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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