Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
