Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
