I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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