I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
