She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
