its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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