i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
