hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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