She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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