it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
