What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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