My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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