Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
