his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
