just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
