oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
