Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
