when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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