Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
