I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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