I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
