I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
