By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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