Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My ass is underappreciated
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
