i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
