Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
