What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
is wine microwaveable?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
