Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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