swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
