If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
