after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
