I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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