nut hugger
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
