no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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