I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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