I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
