I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
