Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
