oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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