Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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