im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
