Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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