Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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