Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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