I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
