I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
